Exploring Our Sexual Sides:
The New Frontier
By Jed Ryan

Last year, an independent flick called "Sex: The Annabel Chong Story" was shown at the Quad Cinema in Manhattan. This documentary focused on adult film actress Annabel Chong (real name: Grace Quek), who in 1995 broke new records in sexual history when she performed 251 sexual acts in 10 hours with 70 different men for the porn movie "The World's Biggest Gang Bang." This documentary, which included actual footage from Chong's X-rated movie, was difficult to watch at times and, predictably, elicited gasps from the audience with its subject matter. However, the shock value of the film's central focus eventually wore off, and the filmmakers-- intentionally or not-- left us with a portrait of a woman with a uniquely admirable quality: Miss Chong shows herself to be unapologetic about her passion for sex (incidentally, with both men AND women), is completely intergrated with the sexual side of her personality, and has no regrets about her astonishing act-- even though she faced an HIV scare afterward, and got stiffed (no pun intended) for the $10,000 salary that she was supposed to receive for her work in "The World's Biggest Gang Bang."

Annabel Chong, of course, is not the first or only person in the world who has expressed her sexuality and sexual desires without apology. At the risk of portraying an adult film star as a role model, however, Miss Chong's comfort level with her sexual attitudes and activities is refreshing. Her honesty and freedom of expression form a sharp contrast in our society where even as we slowly break down barriers dealing with sexuality, confronting our sexual behaviors and activities still remain a potential source of conflict (both internal and external) to us. This is especially pronounced in the gay and lesbian community.

Traditionally, the gay and lesbian movement toward equal rights has usually tried to separate the issue of sexual ORIENTATION from that of sexual BEHAVIOR, in hopes of ultimately gaining greater acceptance by society. And, yes, these two aspects of sexuality are different. They are, however, unquestionably linked. And how far do we, as gay men and lesbians, have to compromise natural aspects of our personae to appear more "acceptable" to mainstream America (i.e.: heterosexuals)? Traditional American society has historically repressed most forms of sexual behavior if it disrupted the status quo. It was not too long ago, for example, when women in general were believed to be incapable or unworthy of enjoying sex, a belief that sadly persists in many world cultures today. The conflict of sexual orientation versus sexual behavior/expression is faced by our community frequently! , and it affects us on several levels. Even with the explosion of gay visibility in mainstream TV, cinema, and print media, there is still a marked lack of gay and lesbian sexual expression-- even in its most discreet form. But far worse than aversion to gay sexuality by the mainstream is our own potential to INTERNALIZE the negativity.

Developing a "sex-is-negative" attitude can have a wide range of damaging effects. We may find ourselves compartmentalizing our lives in the same way that we may have done when we were closeted. This time, however, instead of separating the "gay" and "straight" aspects of our lives, we keep the more overt side of our sexual being separate or repressed. This can occur even if we are out and proud. We may avoid dealing with the issues that affect our sexual behavior, or believe ourselves unworthy of enjoying sex and achieving sexual fulfillment. We may feel uncomfortable discussing our sexual habits with our health care practitioners or our supportive peers. At worst, a negative attitude towards sex can affect intimacy in our long-term relationships.

Ultimately, it is society's negative attitude toward gays and lesbians and America's long history of sexual puritanism that account for the "sex-is-negative" attitude which so many of us struggle with. Coming out is just the first step in forming our lives as gay men and lesbians. Like the struggle to come out, the pathway to personal fulfillment-- including sexual fulfillment-- should not be bogged down by society-imposed shame, guilt, fear of judgment, or fear of non acceptance. Breaking the cycle starts with us as individuals. And whether we choose to remain celibate, have many partners, or be monogamous, sexual freedom begins with the mind. We must start with taking a long hard look at our self-esteem: How do we feel about ourselves? Do we have residual feelings of shame or guilt imposed on us for being gay or lesbian? Do we believe that sex is "dirty," or a taboo subject?

Once we discover the source of negative feelings about sex, the next step is to analyze how these feelings affect our daily lives. Many of us, for example, may willingly participate in one-night stands,but have difficulty with intimacy-- most likely because we can more easily succeed in distancing ourselves from a situation which we regard as "just sex." Subconsciously, even if "just sex" is consensual and safe, we may even try to dismiss the experience in our minds, due to any negative feelings about sex that we may harbor. This ultimately causes conflict within ourselves. Talking about these feelings-- with our friends, a professional counselor or spiritual leader, and/or significant other-- is a good first step.

It goes without say that we have the right to consensual, safe sexual relations. Feeling good about ourselves and enjoying sex, however, may very well be our next big challenge. Interestingly, 'Sex: The Annabel Chong Story' was only released on video in the UK. For more information about this title, contact (email) Jed.

Photos by Jed Ryan

LICK: the Donation